Correcting with Kindness: How to Discipline Gently and Effectively
No parent enjoys disciplining their children; the experience is often unpleasant on all accounts and both parties tend to come away from the experience saddened and defeated. The word “discipline” itself seems to carry a negative connotation; most people hear “discipline” and think “punishment.” The purpose of discipline is actually to teach and correct behavior so that individuals can learn to live well, safely, and fully within the context of societal and moral standards. However, the manner in which to teach or discipline for this purpose does not come naturally to most people. Often, the gut reaction to unsafe or immoral behavior in children is impatience, frustration, or even fear which can be mistakenly expressed as anger. A more mindful approach to discipline promoted by Monty Roberts and his daughter, Debbie Roberts Loucks (whom we have interviewed here on GLTV) is one we will call the “Gentleness Method,” which they first explored in a very surprising and unconventional way: horse training!
Monty Roberts was the son of a committed horse-trainer, but back in his day, the terminology used to describe horse training was “breaking” a horse, and it looked exactly like it sounds. Horses were trained and “broken in” quite violently; the goal was to conquer the animal, not to understand or partner with it. Similarly, disciplining children has often held a similar theme of control. What Monty discovered through long-term observation of horse behavioral patterns was that they are actually very communicative and understandable animals, and they truly desire to be in the presence of humans. He realized that if he took a gentle, humble, partnership approach to working with horses, they were actually much more responsive and cooperative. The difference between these approaches really entailed respecting the animal, to recognize it had its own feelings, thoughts, or desires, and then to gently and slowly come together to partner with it to teach various behaviors and skills. By making it about communion, partnership, it becomes less of a power struggle and more of a unified and goal-oriented effort. Roberts believed that these principles could be similarly applied to child-rearing, specifically discipline.
When a child is erring in their behaviors, they must be corrected in order to grow, to learn, to mature. While there are some instances when discipline must be swift and efficient (as in, if I child disobeys to run into the street and the parent runs after them and grabs them to pull them to safety), parents may find that a gentle approach to discipline will be more effective in not only correcting unhealthy behaviors, but also in instilling a healthy respect for authority. In the same way Monty and Debbie have applied the “Gentleness Method” with horses, they believe it can also be applied to parent-child relationships. They have found that approaching the training of a horse as an intentional and mutually respectful partnership increases the horse’s willing engagement with the process and leads to better performance consistently over time. It reduces the fear of both the horse and trainer which allows for better learning and bonding relationally. Approaching training or discipline from a more standard angle of requiring compliance and respect actually activates the “fight or flight” system in children (and horses) which leads them to become afraid, defensive, closed off to instruction, and even aggressive. The Gentleness Method approach avoids activating the fight or flight system to the same extent, which allows for a better beginning point of instruction and correction.
Discipline is incredibly difficult and is a huge responsibility. Most parents see the gold in their children and long to see them grow into capable, kind adults. The Gentleness Method not only is more beneficial for children, but also for the parents as well. Adults are taught by their children how to parent often as much as children are taught by their parents to be adults. The gentle approach fosters relationship over dictatorship, autonomy and intelligence in actions over blind acceptance, and mature communication, empathy, and patience over immature emotional outbursts.
To watch the interview on Good Life TV with Debbie Loucks, click here! To learn more about Monty Roberts and the development of the Gentleness Method, visit their website here!