Out of The Shadows: The Truth About Domestic Violence

It is easy to talk about the joys of life because when joy is shared, it multiplies! However, the more difficult struggles, the hidden sorrow, and the hurts that threaten to shame and overwhelm us are much more difficult to bring into the open. Yet it is only when those struggles are brought into the open that healing and help can come. When you bring something into the light, it can feel very scary, but there is always grace to meet it. 

Domestic violence is just one of those deep, painful realities that countless people experience daily, yet it is so rarely discussed because the hurt goes so deep. Very few realize how wide and deep this issue permeates our communities. According to Jan Campbell, a local advocate for victims of domestic violence, the majority of calls made to law enforcement on a daily basis are in regards to situations with domestic violence or abusive relationships. The first step towards putting a stop to domestic violence and abusive relationships is to recognize them, and in order to do that, they must first be defined. So many victims have delayed getting the help they need because they are not convinced that they are actually being abused. There are many different types of abuse: physical, emotional and verbal, and in our 21st century context, technological. Regardless of the type of abuse, there are a few key symptoms that always accompany it: manipulation, control, and isolation. There are often many others, or more nuanced expressions of these three, but it is these that are always present. 

Physical abuse is the easiest to spot or acknowledge for both the victim and outside observers, but it is often equally as difficult for victims to admit as the other forms of abuse because it is accompanied by manipulation. Manipulation involves creating an imbalance of power to coerce someone into acting a certain way. It is a way of playing on emotions in a deceitful manner to distort perception of reality and create a power imbalance so one individual must yield to the other. It can be accompanied by threats, perceived tenderness, or both, which is what makes it so tricky to spot. An individual being physically abused might not think to report either because they are being threatened that something worse will happen if they do (which is reinforced by the current physical abuse happening), or because their partner is extremely tender or attentive outside of the abuse, and they are more afraid of losing that than of enduring the abuse. Abusers use manipulation to control their victims, and they isolate them so that 1) it is much more difficult to get help, and 2) far more difficult for observers to speak rationality into the victims and help them realize what is happening is wrong. 

Emotional and verbal abuse is very similar, but usually more difficult to detect. Because there are no lasting physical signs of the abuse, it is very easy for a manipulator to remove any doubts the victim may have about the health of the relationship. An abuser may even go the extra step of telling their victim that any unwellness they are experiencing mentally or emotionally is either an illusion, made up, or that it is the victim’s own fault. 

Technological abuse really emphasizes the ‘control’ aspect of abuse; it can range from stalking on social media and other virtual platforms, requiring the victim to give access to their personal text conversations, requiring their phone password (and withholding their own), etc. It can also include forms of blackmail now that it is so easy to record videos, take photos, and dig up virtual histories of individuals. If a victim won’t comply with the abuser’s desires, they will threaten to publicly release private information, footage, or images to the internet, where it is very difficult to retract anything once it is sent out. 

Abuse and domestic violence need to be taken seriously; communities need to be educated on how to spot it and how to respond to it because everyone deserves to be safe, but not everyone is. If you or someone you know is in a situation involving domestic abuse or violence, there is help available. If you are in immediate danger, do not hesitate to call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is (800) 799-7233 and is open 24/7. Domestic Violence Solutions in Santa Barbara offers transitional housing and other resources like food and clothing for individuals and families who contact law enforcement for help. To receive more education on how to stay vigilant and have the capacity to protect yourself should a future situation arise, visit alwaysbev.com. Always BEV (Be Vigilant) is an organization founded by Barb Jordan to provide instruction and resources for personal safety. Click the links here to watch our interviews with Jan Camble of Domestic Violence Solutions and Barb Jordan of Always BEV.